Beer Run

New World 4mi

Running to the bar has its advantages. For one, it’s a one-way route which is always more satisfying because it gets you twice as far from home. It is almost exactly four miles from my house to New World. This makes for some nice easy calculations. By most accounts, runners burn about 100 calories per mile regardless of their pace. Up to a point, the increased effort of a faster pace is offset by the decrease in time it takes to run the mile. This means that when you arrive at New World after having run today’s route in whatever time it takes you, mine today was a perfect 40 minutes for a 10 minute/mile pace, you will have earned yourself a happy hour discount of approximately 400 calories. Coincidentally, a pint of Guinness is almost exactly 200 calories, so you can have two pints before they even start to count. And after running four miles in the heat, you’re not going to want much more than two pints.
New World has a large outdoor patio so you don’t have to be all self-conscious about being the sweaty guy at the bar. People might ask why you’re looking so sporty, but when you tell them that you’ve run over hill and dale on your journey from the village in the north they’ll be so impressed they might even buy you another pint. Pints that you didn’t pay for don’t count either.
This leads to the last point. The fact that you are running to the bar means that there is going to be someone there to pick you up and drive you home. Of course technically you still haven’t had anything to drink, but, just to be safe, let them chauffer you home and watch your forty minutes of struggle glide by in ten minutes of air-conditioned comfort.